RUPERT LLOYD THOMAS FAN SITE (29 October 2003)

For many years, the incredibly suave, sophisticated and svelte sex-god Rupert Lloyd Thomas has been the Housewife's Favourite (the particular guilty housewife was never accurately identified) on Rocket in the early morning.

This year, however, changes have been made, and Rupert has moved to the Housewife's Siesta Time in the afternoons, with an extra dose in the evening. His dulcet tones will be caressing your ears twice a day because - shock, horror! - after Bonfire he has to return to his home in Canada. He doesn't seem to care how much we will all miss him.

But (and it's official!) before he goes he will be masterminding the classic coverage of Lewes Bonfire. Rupert has had his silk brocade dressing-gown especially fire-proofed for the occasion. He has ensured that his valet has pressed his best tie and his white tuxedo for the post-Bonfire armagnac party, and has filled his breast pocket with pens for signing autographs. The guest list has been drawn up, and includes only the gentry of Lewes - none of your raff and scaff like the Director-General or past leaders of the Conservative party. Just to make you jealous, guests will include such notables as Cory Pentlander (MD of Pentlander Laboratories) and Nicholas the Stamp Collector from Uckfield, as well as Noël Coward and Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.

No, girls! You can't gatecrash the party! We know that you are all desperate just to see Rupert, just to breathe the same air as he breathes - we know that you wouldn't ever dare to try to speak to him, or to touch him. But we can't take the risk. Besides, he's married. Back off, girls, back off!

In 2005, after years of being marketed as an ageing lardbucket who lusts after housewives, Rupert thought it was time to go for the rugged look - an introspective outdoorsman thinking deep thoughts. Well, you can fool some of the people some of the time.

OK, everyone, time for a quick chorus of "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..."